Truth
I am a firm believer in putting happiness back into the world. Spreading joy. Choosing to think and live positively. But I also believe in honesty. Living in your truth. And sharing your experiences with others, both the good and bad, because so much can be learned from both.
Moving to Germany has afforded Michael and I tremendous opportunities. We have experienced things in the last 5 months that I didn’t expect to enjoy in a lifetime. But moving to Germany has been one of the most challenging and difficult things I have ever done. The truth is while Michael and I have had a lot of fun together, we have spent more time apart than with each other. Due in part to my own travel adventures, but mostly due to the rigorous schedule of his flying squadron. The truth is, being unemployed for 5 months is very difficult. The truth is, living in a country where you don’t speak the language and the driving laws are different and the customs are sometimes strange and your entire life has shifted one way or another, is challenging. Being thousands of miles away from all your friends and family is lonely. Missing holidays, your sister’s graduation, you’re your brothers’ anniversary party… missing LIFE… hurts.
Charging head first outside of your comfort zone, traveling to new places and experiencing different cultures, seeing a side of the world you have never been to… are all such beautiful experiences. Experiences I think each human being should take part in at some point in their life. But developing anxiety over stupid, everyday things, using a GPS to get everywhere, being unemployed, impossibly maintaining a budget when your expenses are in 2 currencies whose values change daily… these are the things that come with uprooting your life and moving to a new country.
I don’t regret it. I don’t resent it. I don’t fear it anymore. But what I will do is acknowledge it. Acknowledge the challenge. The frustrations. Acknowledge that it took 3 weeks for me to work up the courage to go to the car wash because I wasn’t sure exactly how it worked. (Do you drive through and stay in the car, do they drive it through for you, do you drive it in and then get out and wait? Do you use Euro, or have to buy tokens, do you buy the tokens in advance or right in line? Do you need exact change? Heaven forbid I get up there and the signs are in German or I can’t find someone to ask, or I find someone to ask and then they don’t speak enough English to properly explain it to me so I end up doing it wrong, and messing up, and holding up the line, and then I get mad stares and impatient sighs and my desire for perfection, for politeness goes up on flames and what would have been a routine 10 minute errand back home has now warranted an extreme amount of anxiety build up and brought me near tears. Then my best attempt at avoiding the entire debacle resulted in a sigh of relief that I could go on base… which then resulted in the worst car was I have ever had and even more frustration.) Acknowledge that working for free, or part time from home, with an MBA in my back pocket is less than ideal, but something. Acknowledge that making friends is difficult as an adult, but reminding myself how thankful I am for those that we have already made. Acknowledge that at the end of the day, I will come away from this better than how I entered. Having grown. Having been challenged. Having been made extremely uncomfortable, anxious, lonely, and tested, only to have learned one thing: I can do all things through Him.
I have been fortunate to go through my 27 years and 3 months of life for the most part untested, truly. Not to say I haven’t worked hard for things or gone for big goals, but I have never felt completely broken and gutted, gasping for air. I have been very lucky in that regard and try not to take it for granted. But at this moment all I can think, believe… hold onto, is the fact that when I sat in that auditorium with hundreds of other people on drop night, and the screen flashed with “C-130J: Ramstein Air Base” behind Michael standing there in uniform and I burst into tears because of the pent up emotion of waiting to find out the course of our lives, and the knowledge that Michael actually got his first choice, something he worked SO hard to achieve… that those tears were the first of many as I would be broken down and made ready for the Potter to mold me. To work in my heart. To call me to Him. I am ready. I am ready to lean on Him for my strength, for my guidance. Let Him show me exactly what friends to make. Let Him show me exactly where He wants me working. Let Him show me how to conduct myself as I discover and learn a new language and culture. Let Him show me how to be a strong Air Force wife to Michael so he can become the best pilot he can possibly be and we can grow together in our marriage. Let Him show me how to pour into my relationships with friends and family back home so I come home to them closer than when I left, despite the distance. Let Him show me who I am, and who I am to become. That is my prayer amid this frustrating, fearful, rocky, unknown that lays before me.
Behind all the beautiful Instagram pictures and blog posts of our adventures, there is fear and uncertainty. But I know in my heart that Jesus will use this to mold me, if I will just let him.